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The Eastern Suburbs Olympics

By Keiran Blake on August 9, 2021 in Satire

The synchronised swimming will be held at Bronte this year. Photo: Esther Williams

Our region’s best athletes will fight for suburban supremacy in the inaugural Eastern Suburbs Olympics during July and August. Super-talented locals will represent their suburbs in the IOC-sanctioned event and will compete for gold, silver and bronze across the following specifically-designed sports:

1. Coffee Cup Relay
Teams of four must pass a large, full, disposable, branded coffee cup along the coastal walk from Bondi to Coogee while swerving between weekend traffic and selfie addicts.

2. Shore Dump Gymnastics
Gymnasts must perform the most creative and acrobatic tricks in the Coogee shorey, without breaking their neck.
3. Bodysurfing
Whompers must bodysurf between the flags at Bondi Beach and make it all the way to the sand without smashing headlong into a swimmer.

4. Beach Volleyball Boxing
Tamarama and Bondi Beaches will host this exciting hybrid sport. Spiking your opponent in the head equals one point, knocking them out earns two points and spiking a nearby child in the head equals six and out.

5. Rabbit Hunting
Hunt the feral rabbits at north Clovelly headland and earn a point for every skin. Avoid killing any of the rabbits who are completing their recovery session at Clovelly Beach.
6. Synchronised Swimming
Team and individual synchronised swimming events will be held at Bronte Baths. Every local resident is required to attend at least one session, because it’s not an Olympics without watching hour after hour of Aussie swimmers in sequins.

7. Fencing
Athletes must use a sabre, foil or epee to fight off fearless seagulls while attempting to eat a full meal of fish and chips without losing a single chip to the ubiquitous birds.

8. Dog Fights
Mackenzies Bay will host fights to the death between off-leash pooches, while local parks, beaches and playgrounds will host fatal fights between dogs and innocent children.

9. Sandcastles
Competitors will have just one day to secure a DA, receive a Homebuilder grant and construct an elaborate sandcastle to be built by the region’s best architects and tradies. The top eight sandcastles will be judged by nosy neighbours and S. Cam, if the IOC can afford his appearance fee.

10. A Gruelling Challenge
Run the City2Surf in under 60 minutes while dragging at least one school child, dog, baby, pram, school bags, instrument, scooters, helmets, projects…

Athletes can compete in just one event, or contest all ten disciplines for the right to be crowned the greatest athlete in the East. To honour the ancient Olympics, and the spectators, every event will be contested nude. Competitors wearing sluggos or boardies will be disqualified, and women in Brazilian bikinis risk appearing on the front cover of The Beast.