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Eastern Suburbs Residents Save Australia from Economic Ruin

By Keiran Blake email: on August 4, 2020 in Satire

Penny and Charles, doing their it. Photo: Grant Leech

Residents of the Eastern Suburbs are being lauded as national heroes after it was discovered that their expensive renovations have rescued an economy destined for certain collapse following the COVID-19 lockdown.
The entire nation is pouring forth its gratitude to selfless homeowners who are adding designer kitchens and elaborate guest rooms in a coordinated campaign to ward off a crippling depression.
“It’s wonderful news,” gushed Penny from Point Piper.
“I feel so proud to learn that my new bathroom will protect Australia’s way of life forever. And to think, the renovation was initially an attempt to keep up with the Jones’ – or rather the Turnbulls, the Packers and the S.Cams.”
The recent HomeBuilder initiative galvanised Penny and her patriotic neighbours, and Struggle Street is now home to utes, trucks, cranes, and a fleet of skip bins.
True Blue Australians rushed to social media to thank renovators for their sacrifice.
“How good are renovators!” beamed @1Ozzie.
“Huge thanks to the real Aussie heroes who are supporting impoverished tradies and construction workers who struggle day after day just to put meth on the table,” tweeted @Straya.
Locals are less surprised that the region is shouldering Australia’s economic burden, as sites such as Bondi Beach inject millions of dollars into the nation’s coffers every year.
Fellow Struggle Street dweller Jason was inspired to finally act, after consuming every episode of The Block, House Rules, and Grand Designs Australia, UK (and New Zealand). He will add a bar and entertainment area downstairs.
“We’ll never have to spend money at a licensed venue again,” he beamed, before adding, “The builder was even kind enough to leave a space for us to display our upcoming Australia Day and Queen’s Birthday honours.”
Such has been the success of the grassroots economic activism that has inspired home owners in suburbs such as Vaucluse, Bellevue Hill, Toorak, New Farm, Dalkeith, and Somerton Park.
Grant from Tamarama is still basking in the karmic glow of his altruistic extension, and responded to critics of the renovation revolution.
“Some people dismissed HomeBuilder as a cynical marketing ploy on behalf of Scott Morrison (born and bred right here in the Eastern Suburbs) to distract Australians from other more sinister policies, or to appease his new supporter base. Others questioned how HomeBuilder could actually make a difference, considering so few Aussies qualify,” Grant explained, “but I reminded them of Ghandi, Mandela, Mother Theresa, and Mary Mackillop – one person can change the world. Plus, what’s more patriotic than Italian marble, Scandinavian redwood, and French doors?”
Penny, meanwhile, is so energised by nationalistic fervour that she and Charles have decided to extend their charity and renovate their weekender in Gerroa, as well as their yacht.