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Getting to the Bottom of it

By Pearl Bullivant on June 22, 2018 in Satire

A rat wearing a nappy, by Marion Donovan.

DOES PEARL LIKE POO?
Dearest Pearl – So many dogs, so much poo. Most owners are great and pick it up, but what does Pearl think about owners dumping their poo bags in your bin on the street, especially after the council has just emptied the bin? Quite often the dogs are huge and so too the poo bags. No one wants poo in the bottom of their bin for another week!
Regards,
Mother of Two Dogs

Dear Mother of Two Dogs – So many dogs, so much poo. So many 4WDs, so much illegal parking; so many dream homes, so much building noise; soooo much money, soooo much entitlement. It’s the good old ‘arsehole effect’ in action – the more affluent that people become, the more entitled they are to exploit lesser beings by using their garbage bins, blocking their driveways, cutting them off in traffic in the Maserati Levante and annoying them with their profoundly gifted, free-ranging children.
But – let’s be philosophical here – is the discarded dog poo merely a sign of entitlement; an act of a selfish neighbour communicating that your bin deserves dog poo, leaving their own bin faeces-free and smelling of organic, vegan bush oils? No, Pearl is thinking that the dog poo-discarding phenomena is far more deep-seated than entitlement. Rather, the dog poo at the bottom of your bin represents the inability of the typical affluent, young, high-achieving Eastern Suburbsite to cope with the unpleasantries in life beyond queuing at Iggy’s.
Providence has secured the perfect lifestyle, the perfect blonde straight hair, the spotlessly clean dream home with ‘statement’ decor, the boho-chic clothing, the ecologically driven diet… why, oh why, would one destroy such an idyllic utopia with dog poo?
Poo is unfortunately one of those unpleasantries in life, like missing a prized parking spot and having to walk 100 metres. One’s own vegan diet poo can be rendered more palatable with a touch of Aesop Post-Poo drops, and baby poo can be turned into a smug fashion statement with the use of eco disposables. But dog poo? That’s nasty stuff, and those striving for the perfect lifestyle (there’s nothing spontaneous about the carefully crafted, cool, carefree Eastern Beaches demeanour) with the perfect offspring and perfect dog simply do not ‘do’ dog poo. Just as the clichéd, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is used to free-range one’s kiddies off to the nearest verge with a swing, the excreta of one’s labradoodle can be handled in two ways: by using the neighbour’s verge as a dog toilet (when one is too posh to pick it up) or discarding it in the neighbour’s bin.
Although my reply has failed to provide you with an adequate solution, I do hope it provides you with a psychological insight behind the dog poo fiends that inhabit the ‘villages’ of the Eastern Suburbs. And, may I suggest you purchase a feline friend for your two dogs? You may think dog poo smells horrendous, but I can assure you there’s nothing more pungent and foul than the odour of cat poo steaming in the bottom of a neighbour’s bin.

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