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International Crime Syndicates to Target Your Children During Halloween

By Kieran Blake, on October 30, 2019 in Satire

Potential recruits, by Stan Doverman.

Eastern Suburbs parents have reacted with horror to news that international crime syndicates will use this year’s Halloween festivities to recruit local children into their organisations.
Parent chat groups and school pick up zones transformed into hotbeds of gossip as parents learned that members of criminal gangs will attempt to lure their children into their organisations during the annual Trick or Treat.
“Trick or Treat teaches children extortion,” read a statement from an anonymous gang member on an encrypted site on the dark web.
“Children learn to threaten people by saying ‘Give me what I want or I will harm you and your family,’ and this is exactly the kind of behaviour we look for in our organisations.”
A courageous undercover investigation from a tech-savvy local parent unearthed the frightening and meticulously planned recruitment drive, which has attracted members as diverse as the Triads, the Yakuza, the Sinaloa Cartel, the Italian Mafia, the New York Mafia, the Russian Mafia and every person who has ever featured on an episode of Underbelly.
Talent scouts from all corners of the globe will descend upon the region and disguise themselves as supportive parents during the supposedly innocent activity, dressed as anything from Barney Rubble to Elsa.
The gang members and their associates will seek out the children with the largest haul of treats and will pay particular attention to kids with sugary pills, pops or white powder.
They will also take a close interest in the methods children use to secure their prize.
“Threats, blackmail, physical force and violence are effective methods in the conduct of our business, as is the ability to ‘negotiate’ an increase in the amount of goods offered. Don’t forget, charm and cuteness also get results, and never underestimate the power of a wailing child in full sugar-induced tantrum – these are the kids we want.”
The anonymous ‘businessman’ also reminded his associates to assess the child’s ability to endure the sight of blood, guts and dead bodies, and to defend their territory at all costs.
“If two kids arrive as Owlette or Buzz Lightyear, we want the one who forces the other to run home crying to mummy.”
Recruitment officers are also being ordered to approach children whose faces are not covered in food dye or white powder.
“Smart businesspeople don’t sample the merchandise, they on-sell it in the playground or the park a few weeks later. It’s simple business: acquire the goods through any means necessary (for free), then on-sell the product for 100 per cent profit and pay no tax – just like the multinational companies which paid for the mansions that house these little Halloween monsters.”