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Malabar to Host ‘Running of the Bullets’

By Kieran Blake on July 1, 2018 in Satire

Run for your life, by Oliver North.

Thousands of adventurous souls will descend upon Malabar Headland National Park next month for the explosive excitement of Running of the Bullets.
Runners will traverse a challenging cross-country course along the headland while dodging live ammunition fired from the adjacent rifle range.
The starter’s gun will release the runners, as well as a flurry of bullets from the rifle range. Participants then have the option of running, crawling, scrambling, or ducking and weaving their way back to the finish line, where they’ll be presented with a shell casing instead of the ubiquitous finisher’s medal. Thanks to a local engraver, known as Friendly Col, every casing will have an entrant’s name on it.
Thrill seekers, and bored office workers, can choose from courses of varying lengths, but every entrant will compete in the ‘Open’ age category.
“Once a competitor chooses their distance they’ll be competing for the one winner’s trophy. The simple reason for removing the age categories is that being young and short is an advantage – most of the bullets should fly over their heads,” explained an event spokesperson.
Some prospective participants have apparently been refused the right to wear protective clothing, such as bulletproof vests and helmets, instead receiving a curt message from organisers:
“Harden up!”
Runners who fall to stray bullets will be buried on the course, alongside the bodies of many Indigenous Australians who were slaughtered on this land just a few hundred years ago. The names of the fallen runners will not be recorded, just as the names of the Indigenous Australians were forgotten by European history.
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, was originally scheduled to fire the starter’s gun, after accepting the invitation from honorary Bra Boy Tony Abbott. Phil later withdrew from the event, however, when his PR team reminded him that it is no longer considered ‘sporting’ to shoot Indigenous people in the name of the Crown.
“After Phil withdrew we considered other suitable candidates. We started scouring the dark web for a Trump supporter to fire the starting gun, but then we realised that no one would make it off the starting line,” stated the spokesperson.
Another exciting innovation in this mass participation event is the ‘Schools’ category. At the behest of a conservative politician, naughty school children will take part in lieu of detention, while their armed teachers can ‘take attendance’ from the vantage point of the rifle range.
“We’re expecting a lot of interest from school teachers, particularly as they drag themselves through Term 3 of the school year. We’re also anticipating an improvement in classroom behaviour in Term 4.”
Entries remain open for the inaugural event, and organisers are urging locals to prove that they are ‘Tougher Than a Spartan’.