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Middle Aged Fat Men In Lycra

By Pearl Bullivant on March 24, 2021 in Satire

How good is lycra? Photo: Andrew Ettinghausen

Pearl is easily offended, and I am finding my propensity to take offence has undoubtedly risen during ‘The COVID’. I find it offensive that Scott Morrison denigrates the Australian flag by wearing it in the form of a mask. I find it offensive that JobKeeper has morphed into a form of corporate welfare (I’m pointing my finger at Gerry Harvey and the $22 million he refuses to repay the ATO) while Newstart recipients are harassed by the totally offensive Michaelia Cash.
I am offended by the control that the mining, building and forestry industries have over Australia, and I’m extremely offended by the rorting and profiteering of the National Disability Insurance Scheme. But most of all, Pearl is offended by MAFMILs – Middle Aged Fat Men In Lycra.
Please don’t think I’m turning this into an anti-cyclist rant. Cycling is good for the environment, good for health and good for Australia, and it riles me that motorists are quite happy to be delayed by a slow-moving double-B truck but are not willing to wait sixty seconds behind a cyclist without getting pent up. Nothing would please Pearl more than to see more cyclepaths encroaching on road space, more children riding to school, more people wilfully delaying the transit of Range Rovers and LandCruisers. The ordinary, everyday cyclist is not Pearl’s beef.
Instead, I’m offended by those rotund, affluent men who get off their lard-arse once a week to expend energy on a $13,000 bike, their guts strapped into lurid lycra while they wield their carbon fibre bike frames in a similar way they drive their Porsche Macan – self absorbed and dangerous.
Why do I find these men so offensive? Apart from being visually offensive, it is what they represent – affluent people flogging another bandwagon and spending obscene amounts to do so. To quote a University of Sydney study, “Most are weekend superheroes who do not cycle to work during the week.” Instead, they are most probably harassing everyday cyclists from behind the wheel of their Porsche.
I liken the MAFMIL to the yummy mummy who thinks that yoga, WelleCo tonic, Lululemon leggings and veganism will offset an ecologically damaging ‘lifestyle’. The typical MAFMIL looks like he would down a bottle of red each night, and the only exercise he indulges in is waddling to the lift and his fancy car. His life may be a stressful corporate one, but does he really need to ease the pain by squeezing into cycling cosplay to boast loudly above the headwinds about his stock market successes, real estate acquisitions and children’s private school fees to his fellow ‘travellers’?
Pearl has a few suggestions for those MAFMILS who are still reading my article to make their ride less offensive: Select clothing more suited to one’s age, ability and size. Ride silently so that you can concentrate on the road. And, most importantly, normal everyday cycling can add more years to your life and wallet than a $13,000 bike ridden manically once a week. Lose a few kilos and then Pearl will allow you to wear the lycra.