Beardy from Hell – April 2019
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
The best long-term plan is to have as much fun as possible in the short-term so you have plenty of happy memories.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Big challenges lie ahead but you’re ready for them and you’ll power through, just as you always have done.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Just when you think you’re screwing someone over, someone else will be screwing you. Don’t be a snake in the grass.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
If you’re not 69ering your partner at least once a month you probably don’t love each other enough and should just split up.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Start to incorporate afternoon naps into your days. 20 minutes of arvo nap is the equivalent of around two hour’s sleep.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Working like you don’t need the money is fine in theory, but not in practice when you’ve got a coke habit to support.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Don’t live in the shadows of others’ judgment, unless you want them to like you, which is all you seem to care about.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You don’t watch enough TV. How can you expect to join in conversations if you don’t watch more TV? Don’t be so antisocial.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Every group of friends has a tight-arse and in your group that person is you, which is why you’ll be the first to retire.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
No matter how many times you wipe your bum you just can’t seem to get it clean. Hop in the shower and get the job done.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Knowledge is of no value unless you use it to f*ck people over. It’s time for you to start being a little bit evil.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Leave your keys in the same spot every time you enter your home and you’ll never lose them again.