Star Signs – February 2022

By Beardy from Hell on February 10, 2022 in Satire

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Your work should fit in around your leisure, not the other way around, despite no one ever having achieved this.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Letting yourself go over the Christmas period will have long lasting ramifications for the size of your bum.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Take a break from social media, not for own benefit, but to give everyone else a breather from your self-indulgent shite.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t bother getting your booster shot. Intentionally infect yourself with Omicron and get it over and done with.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Begin to declutter your life by chucking out the 90 per cent of your wardrobe that you’ll never wear again.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You need a proper holiday, not a week packed with activities, but actual time off to laze around, do nothing and be bored.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Tell your hipster mate who feels the need to mention Byron at every opportunity to f*ck off and live there permanently.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
A submissive friend is on the brink of rising up and rebelling against you. Plot a preemptive strike to keep them in order.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Valentines Day is a competition. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as one of your friends doesn’t do something better.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
When we go back into lockdown, the only thing that will get you through is alcohol and an online shopping addiction.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Teaching your partner any new skill will be on par with teaching your grandpa to use an iPhone. Hire an instructor instead.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Check in on your loved ones, you never know how much money they’ve got and as it stands you’re not the first in line.