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Star Signs – January 2022

By Beardy from Hell on January 7, 2022 in Satire

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Don’t bother trying to save. You’ll never accumulate a nest egg, so enjoy your money and spend like there’s no tomorrow.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You’re way too accepting of arseholes. Don’t judge people by what’s inside, judge them on what they put out.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Your workplace is a selection of the worst people on the planet, all shoved into one organisation to ruin each other’s lives.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Lucky you didn’t put any effort into getting your rig into shape for summer, because there will be no summer this year.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
It’s time to brush up on your lovemaking skills. The old repertoire from back in the glory days isn’t impressing anyone.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
2022 is going to be the best year of your life so far, and possibly forever. Be sure to really rip in and make the most of it.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
The power struggle you’re currenlty involved in needs to be taken to the gutter and fought to the death.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Always assume that your partner is annoyed with you about something, because at least then you’ll always be right.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You need to start looking after your skin properly before your face starts to resemble a crocodile’s forey.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
A call from an old friend will make your day. It only happens when they want something, but at least they’re thinking of you.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Make urgent adjustments to your morning routine so you can actually get out of the house. You stuff around way too much.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
The local garbo has a crush on you. Make sure you’re out the front of yours at sparrow’s fart on bin day to put a spring in his step.