Star Signs – March 2022

By Beardy from Hell on March 10, 2022 in Satire

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Continue to wear a mask once restrictions have eased further, purely so people are protected from your pungent breath.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
An unexpected windfall is on the horizon, but no matter how much money falls into your lap you will find a way to lose it.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Your old friends are all worn out and well past their use by dates. It’s time to strategically acquire some new ones.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Migrate from Apple Health to Fitbit so you get a few thousand extra steps a day without actually having to walk further.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
A career change is great in theory, but unfortunately you’re only good at things that no one is willing to pay money for.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
As yet another swimless summer concludes, it’s worth looking back and pondering why you pay so much to live near the beach.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Bumping into an old friend will leave you wondering how you went from the legend you once were to the drip you have become.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
After complaining for years about not being allowed to go overseas, you still won’t go overseas now that you can.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You’re going to live a really long life, so you’ll need to work without a holiday until you’re 70 to save enough for your retirement.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Start doing the things you actually enjoy, rather than participating in pastimes that you think will impress your friends.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Your current training regime is making you look quite weird. Get some professional advice before you do irreversible damage.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
At some stage this month you’re going to pump so intensely that you’ll give yourself a splitting headache that lingers for weeks.