Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Why are you spending so much money on self-help when you actually need a trained professional to help you?
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You’re at the peak of your ploughing abilities, so be sure to let as many people as possible experience your awesome skills.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Each Sunday, reflect on your weekend and count how many opportunities you missed because of your social media addiction.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Aim low and you’ll achieve nothing, aim high and at least you’ll achieve something, but it still won’t be worth the effort.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You’re not feeling very loved, but there’s someone nearby who never stops thinking about you. Unfortunately they’re a psycho.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You haven’t been eating enough chocolate, which is the main reason you’re not as happy as you potentially could be.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Avoid making any important decisions and good things will just magically happen to you, as they always have.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Your voice may be soft, but your ideas have the power to burst eardrums. Do not be silenced by anyone.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t get annoyed when others make judgments about you; that’s what happens when you constantly fail to judge yourself.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Just because you’re tired, it doesn’t mean you can be a complete arsehole to everyone around you.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You know you’ve done something really stupid, but the only option now is to dig your heals in and alienate even more people.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Everyone sees through your self-deprecation, but no one bothers arguing because you’re actually pretty shit at everything.