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The Quiet Australians

By Pearl Bullivant on March 23, 2020 in Satire

Mother’s milk. Photo David Coupe

For a country as small as Australia, our nation has some very big issues to deal with. While the east coast was burning and flooding, a revolution akin to the Eureka Stockade was simmering in the far north-west of Australia over the price of alcohol on Rio Tinto mining sites.
“Furious” FIFOs up in the Pilbara have been threatening to “revolt” over a new beer price policy implemented by the multinational, which has sent the price of Emu Export “soaring by an astronomical 45 per cent”, causing untold “mental anguish and isolation” among a group of grossly overpaid workers.
So moved was Pearl by their story that I donned the Southern Cross flag and gathered a pity party of friends willing to sponsor a struggling FIFO for a mere $1.50 per week.
Seriously, who in their right mind drinks Emu Export? Instead of cash, maybe my money would be better spent on a mercy mission to the Pilbara with cartons of Young Henrys IPA. But, putting Pearl’s beer snobbery aside, the sad fact is that these FIFOs represent Scott Morrison’s “Quiet Australians”, an unfortunate term considering the outcome of the Quiet American in the book of the same name. FIFOs are just some of the real Aussies the PM claims to represent, as distinct from the chattering classes who agitate over the environment, refugees and ABC funding. How better the outcome for Australia if the masses revolt over beer prices rather than climate change and arts funding?
However, there’s been very little evidence of late of the PM representing the Quiet Australians, favouring instead the large end of town who donate generously to the LNP. The Quiet Australians appear to have no objection to this favouritism, for they are brainwashed to believe that one day, with hard work and an overextended credit card, they too can become one of the LNP’s favoured friends.
So, Pearl is here to ask the PM, on behalf of the Quiet Australians: Where the bloody hell are you, and what do you intend to do about beer prices in the Pilbara (among other things)?
Yes, it’s not just beer prices that Pearl is seeking answers for. When do you, Mr Prime Minister, intend being proactive when it comes to the behaviour of contestants on Married at First Sight, a TV program that the Quiet Australians have emotionally invested in? When are you going to heed the call of the people by intervening in the outrageous behaviour of a contestant who insisted on wearing makeup during the Makeup Free Challenge? And, where were you, Mr Prime Minister, when “Smith’s New Lamington Flavoured Chip” had “Aussies Torn”? Inspired by the 2010 Arab Spring, the new flavour propelled thousands of Quiet Australians to take to social media complaining of “sacrilege” – being a man of faith, ScoMo, I’m sure you know a thing or two about sacrilege. So where were you during the people’s hour of need? Sinking cans of cheap Bud and munching peanut butter flavoured chips in Hawaii?