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Tony Abbott Blames The Beast for Europe’s Extreme Cold Snap

By Kieran Blake on April 1, 2018 in Satire

“Sorry Vlad, the whole shirtfront thing, it was only a joke,” by Ollie Gark.

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has launched a scathing attack on The Beast for causing the recent extreme weather conditions that swept across Europe.
“Climate change is real,” he shouted down the microphone during a regular radio segment.
“Climate change is behind the recent blizzard-like conditions in Europe and it is all due to The Beast from The East. Anyone who denies climate change, or refutes suggestions that it was caused by The Beast magazine, is simply deluded.”
The severe weather conditions saw temperatures plummet, caused transport chaos and accidents, and resulted in the extended closure of many schools throughout Europe and the United Kingdom.
Abbott continued to rant about human-induced climate change, while constantly alluding to an article in this magazine which revealed an affinity between himself and Maroubra’s Bra Boys, due to a common devotion to staunch protection of their territorial waters.
“The magazine suggested that I was receiving support from the Bra Boys in my effort to replace Malcolm Turnbull as PM,” he said.
“The magazine even went so far as to claim that I would run on the platform of ‘Locals Only’ – ridiculous.”
“Clearly, the magazine’s attack on a devoted supporter of environmentally sustainable living caused the blizzards.”
Abbott cited every major mainstream news network, all of which are blaming the weather conditions on The Beast from The East and not, for example, on The ABC from Down Under or The Saturday Paper from the Inner West nor The Green Left Weekly.
Critics of Abbott questioned the tenuous link between an uncharacteristically cold northern winter and a satirical article in an Australian magazine.
“I took the time to confer with some of the most enlightened and respected world leaders before appearing on radio,” retorted the Member for Warringah.
“I enjoyed a lengthy and productive conversation with Vladimir Putin, who confirmed the link between the weather events and The Beast from The East – because that is one of the many names he likes to give himself,” Abbott said.
“Also, Donald Trump replied with a tweet confirming that The Beast from The East could be either Xi Jinping or Kim Jong-Un, and that they were certainly to blame for the blizzards – and everything ‘bad’.”
Finally, I consulted a long-time ideological mentor, Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’izzadin Waddaulah ibn Al-Marhum Sultan Haji Omar Ali Saifuddien Sa’adul Khairi Waddien Sultan, and Yang Di-Pertuan of Brunei Darussalam, who assured me that if it is possible for lesbians to cause earthquakes, it is extremely likely that a scathing article in a monthly magazine from Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs is the underlying cause of extreme weather conditions on the other side of the planet.
Mr Abbott then completed his rant by claiming he could single-handedly return all of Europe to stable weather conditions, but…
“It’s too cold for Speedos.”