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UNSW to Become World’s Greatest Child Care Centre

By Kieran Blake, on April 2, 2019 in Satire

Start them early, by Al Jebra.

The insatiable demand for outstanding child minding facilities among Eastern Suburbs parents has prompted the conversion of the University of New South Wales into the world’s largest elite child care centre.

The transformation of the internationally recognised seat of learning into a kindergarten of excellence will begin shortly, following an agreement between various levels of government, the university and a lobby group known as Uber Powerful Parents of Impossibly Talented Youths (UPPITY).

“The existing child minding facilities in the Eastern Suburbs do not match the calibre of our children,” declared the head prefect of UPPITY.

“For this reason, we are satisfied with the anticipated response of the government and the university to our demands for a kindergarten of excellence.”

The NSW government leapt at the opportunity to hurl millions of taxpayers’ dollars at another major infrastructure project in the Kensington region, which will see current university students displaced to make way for toddlers.

The demands from UPPITY included a faculty with a minimum qualification of PhD, a full report on their child’s progress at the end of each day, an entrance test, exorbitant fees and graduation ceremonies in full regalia every academic year. Furthermore, internationally acclaimed research installations are to be bulldozed to accommodate parking for SUVs and four-wheel drive prams.

In addition, colleges such as Basser, Goldstein and Phillip Baxter will house parents on campus, allowing them to provide constructive feedback to educators in real time.

Existing staff members with PhD qualifications will be offered positions at the childcare centre, as will current student welfare officers, who will be charged with supporting the ever-increasing number of very young children diagnosed with stress and anxiety disorders. The centre will also provide each faculty with therapy dogs, which anxious children can pat as they enter the hall for their finger painting and Play-Doh exams.

While current faculty members declined to comment lest they risk their already tenuous positions, the university did issue a short statement. The statement expressed gratitude to the government for finally allocating a reasonable amount of funding to the institution and briefly outlined some future developments.

“The Faculty of the Built Environment will be converted into a sandpit, the Arts and Social Sciences faculties will make way for story time and dress-ups, and the Law faculty will devote itself to determining who pushed whom off the swing,” the statement said.

“We expect the change to attract interest from overseas parents and in light of the potential earnings from the international market, we will adjust our educational programs accordingly.

“Furthermore, we are very pleased to continue the outstanding work of UNSW in teaching young Australians to read and write in English.”