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Waverley’s Nightwatchman Scores a Century

By Kieran Blake, on July 1, 2019 in Satire

Chin music, by Ian Healy.

Australia is known as one of the great cricketing nations in the world, and with the recent return of a local hero to the highest level of the game, The Beast presents a timely reminder of what makes Australia great in this arena: the Aussie guide to playing cricket.

1. Keep the nightwatchman
A nightwatchman is typically a less talented member of the batting line-up who defends the wicket during a precarious period. They are not required to remain in the middle on a permanent basis, rather to protect the more valuable members of the team – but not in Australia.
Waverley’s nightwatchman defied the odds and employed determined negativity and defensive tactics to withstand a weak and unimaginative bowling attack and claim the highest honour in the game.
Australia thus rejected conventional cricketing wisdom and even appointed the nightwatchman as team captain, despite the fact that he recently knifed the previous captain in the back.

2. Win at all costs
Winning is everything in Australian cricket, even if that means bending the rules. Sure, Australia may have built its international reputation on ‘sportsmanship’, giving everyone a ‘fair go’ and always playing within the ‘spirit of the game’, but modern pundits understand the futility of those archaic traditions and know what it takes to win in the modern era.
If a player is found cheating on those dearest to him, simply banish him until another controversy buries the story, then return him to the first-grade team. Also, disregard the sporting truism ‘Hydrate or die’; if his actions leave half the team without water at the drinks break, tell them to stop complaining and harden up, because Aussies are tough!

3. Re-brand your team
Marketing is everything in the contemporary context, so contract a successful public relations firm and re-create the public persona of your team and players so that they appeal to middle Australia. Remember though, that wearing many different caps doesn’t automatically qualify you to wear the baggy green.

4. Fund the opposition
Take the unbelievable step of providing vital funding to your opposition. Take money from taxpayers, who you represent, and apportion this money to a group of foreigners – even a powerhouse such as India, which is bursting with talent and ambition and is currently defeating Australia in almost every facet of the game. Ignore the fact that this money would otherwise have been spent on developing and educating future generations of Aussie players.

5. Choose your allies
Align your team with someone who is unfit for office, or even just terribly unfit. Sure, he may eat all the pies (and the bananas, and the energy bars…)but he will always put Australia first.