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This Year’s City2Surf to Hurt Your Wallet and Your Legs

By Kieran Blake on July 29, 2018 in Satire

Never miss a moment, by Ken Yanzarfast

You know that selfie you’re dying to take as you cross the finishing line of the City2Surf, the photo that will encapsulate your pain and accomplishment for all your adoring social media fans? Well, now you’ll have to pay for it.

A document leaked discreetly from Waverley Council outlines plans to fine every runner whose selfie contains images of Bondi Beach in the background.

Council is citing intellectual property rights over the iconic beach and its surrounds as justification for the fine.

Council will be able to locate every offending selfie through a secretive and innovative software program that scours the Internet with extreme precision and is famed among the intelligence community for its efficacy. According to the anonymous source of the leak, the program was offered free of charge.

“Council acquired the program from someone using the Internet handle ‘P Dutty’, who claims to have developed the program in conjunction with a group calling themselves Cambridge… University? No, not university… Cambridge Press? No, but it was definitely Cambridge something,” the source said.

The exact amount of the fine has not been clarified but the document does reveal that any selfie featuring the stars of Bondi Rescue will incur a larger fine.

The document also reveals Council’s determination to persuade ratepayers and runners that all revenue will be well spent.

A portion will be dedicated to the pavement after it receives a beating from thousands of pounding legs, while some money will be directed to a fund to compensate residents of Bondi and Vaucluse for the emotional distress of having to share their hallowed turf with non-residents for a day. Other funds will be sent to charity.

“The software is so powerful that it can identify the charity for which runners are raising money,” the source revealed.

“The fine will therefore be withdrawn automatically from the runner’s bank account, sent to the council, processed by this Cambridge mob, double-checked against the City2Surf transponder data to ensure that the offending runner did actually finish, then returned to Council via the tax office before finally being sent to the charity.”

“The greater expediency of this process will ensure that a larger proportion of the charitable donation actually reaches those in need.”

The source conceded that it may be possible for runners to avoid the fine.

“Obviously using #citytosurf will give you away, as will other associated tags such as #nosweat. But, if you want to increase your chances of dodging the fine, don’t use #nofilter. Let’s face it folks, nobody looks that good after slogging out 14 kilometres and dragging themselves up Heartbreak Hill, unless they’re Kenyan.”

“The best way to avoid the fine,” the source stressed, “is to just run for fun.”