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Air-Patter Brings Short-term Pet Hire to Local Footy Fanatics

By Kieran Blake on October 5, 2018 in Other

One last kiss before boiling, by Ray Warren

Eastern Suburbs residents are scrambling to hire the few remaining September Pets in anticipation of strong local representation at the business end of this year’s footy finals.

Last minute orders are flooding in to local enterprise AIR-PATTER, which is offering short-term leasing of freelance roosters, rabbits and swans.

“Hire the perfect accessory,” reads the AIR-PATTER promotion. “Proudly display your undying loyalty to your favourite team with a freelance pet for the duration of the football finals. Then, once your pet has served its purpose, return it to us.”

“Requests have flooded in for roosters, rabbits and swans,” confirmed an AIR-PATTER spokesperson.
“We had expected to adorn the pets with a garland of waratahs, but unfortunately, waratahs will not be in bloom in Sydney this spring.”

The initiative is likely to result in an inundation of freelance pets at local parks, beaches, playgrounds, cafes and pubs. The beer garden at the Alexandria Hotel is set to be overrun with rabbits, while the ‘Charo’ will welcome pet roosters with a special 10-course ‘pecking degustation’. Swans, meanwhile, will lead their owners serenely into whichever bar happens to be trending on social media.
The real excitement begins, however, once the pets have been returned to AIR-PATTER. On October 1, the animals will feature prominently in the biggest street party the Eastern Suburbs has ever seen.

Centennial Park will host a massive barbecue with a sumptuous buffet, including dishes such as Gallo Pinto, rabbit stew and Pico de Gallo.

“Visitors are in for a real treat,” promised the AIR-PATTER spokesperson.

“The party starts in the early hours of the morning when men in horse-drawn carts will roam the streets calling out to our clients to return their freelance pets.

“They’ll then head to the park, where visitors can watch the hawkers skin and pluck the animals before preparing them for our mouth-watering feast.

“Also, we’re very hopeful Russell Crowe will attend and slaughter some of the animals with one
of his Gladiator swords – great family-friendly fun.”

Guests can also sample exotic cuisine including sharks, rare birds and big cats, all acquired from ex- Roosters player Martin Kennedy. Kiwi fruit provides the theme for dessert, while entertainment will feature a fire-breathing dragon and pony rides for the Queenslanders.

Organisers have assured visitors there will be enough soft drink and alcohol on offer to cater for those who are celebrating or commiserating. They were also at pains to stress to locals that they are doing absolutely everything within their powers to appease the weather gods.

“No one wants a storm in Sydney on these dates,” the spokesper- son said.