Beardy From Hell – Knower Of Things
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Every time you hear your neighbour’s annoying dog bark, spray your garden hose straight through an open window into their face.
Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Deliberate very carefully when making a decision whether or not to stand your ground. Once you take a position there is no turning back.
Gemini May 21-Jun 21
Buying cheap and pointless gifts is a great way of avoiding future invitations to birthdays and weddings that you don’t really want to go to.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Always be the pessimist. Shitty things generally tend to happen to you so you may as well be prepared for the worst.
Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Never trust your mates with your partner. They are all sleazes and would take any opportunity to get your better half’s panties off.
Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Bending the truth is easier than bending spoons, unless they are plastic or you are very weak, but if you bend it too much it will break.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
No matter which team you’re on, the forey versus knob debate is a timeless topic guaranteed to promote healthy discussion between men.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
It is totally acceptable to pick your nose within the confines of your own car, no matter what the person in the car next to you thinks.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
You pay a fortune to live near the ocean but you never have time to enjoy it because you’re always working. Can’t you see the irony in that?
Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Once you sit down in front of the television your evening is gone. Add years to your life by leaving it off and doing something constructive.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Losing is never easy but harnessing the shit feeling and using it to motivate yourself will have positive flow-on effects for years to come.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t pray for material things because God doesn’t work like that. Instead, steal them and then pray for forgiveness