News Satire People Food Other

Beardy From Hell – May 2012

By Beardy From Hell on April 27, 2012 in Other

Taurus Apr 21-May 20

Just like a small fish held up to a wide angle camera, Skype has the ability to make little things look bigger and you should use this to your advantage.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21

As your sign travels retrograde through Pisces, you will take on the odour of a dead fish and should therefore avoid lesbian conventions.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

This month you will be feeling sexy and free, with glitter raining down on you, like a shot of pure gold, you may even explode.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

People that go to the beach are more attractive than people that don’t – it’s a fact – and you need to spend a lot more time there.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

You need to get together with a bunch of school mates and piss off somewhere for a weekend to catch up, drink beers and smoke weed.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23

No matter how much shit you own, you will never be truly happy unless you are living within your means.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

You know you’re way too competitive and unethical when you need to cheat to defeat a toddler in a board game.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

This month you will get an almost uncontrollable urge to draw a massive dick and balls every time you see a dirty car.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

There comes a time in most people’s lives where their biggest regret will be not having travelled enough. Make sure you’re not one of them.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

As your sign aligns with the big dipper, you will be increasingly expressing yourself through the medium of dance, specifically the horn pipe.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

Anyone who says “I’ve got a tummy ache” just needs to do a big shit and you should direct them to the nearest dunny immediately.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

Stop romanticising about moving to the country. You wouldn’t last a day without all the mod cons of the city that you’re so accustomed to.