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OMG. Beach, Please. WTF?

By Stiffy McPherson on May 1, 2020 in Other

I miss summer. Photo: Sandy Flange

“All men are perverts and liars.” My mother told me that. She used to say it with such glee, I think the thought quite excited her. Never mind the fact I was a young man myself or that my father was in the room. I don’t disagree with her though. All men are usually one or the other, if not both, and I fear the Eastern Suburbs’ beaches in 2020 may be turning into a perverts’ paradise before our very eyes; almost certainly theirs.
Long gone are the days of families in rashies, with zinc-covered noses and those funny hats with the flaps at the back. Nowadays, if you venture down to one of our beaches on a warm, summer’s day, you’re more likely to find yourself in the background of a soft-porn shoot, than run into Meryl and her four kids. Instagram may have banned the nipple, but they certainly haven’t stopped the viral spread of what can only be described as softcore child pornography.
I am loathe to join the litany of old men telling young women what they should wear or do with their bodies, so I won’t. I just wonder why the hell they are doing it? What sad compulsion is making our young ‘uns turn a place of childhood joy into a vacuous pit of sordid skin obsession? And what sick freak designed those ridiculous high V bikini bottoms that appear to be on trend at the moment? They cannot be comfortable. The thought of being forced to wear a pair of them, combined with even a fifth of the sand that ends up in my crack after a beach adventure, fills me with nothing short of a wild panic.
Is Instagram the worst thing to happen to Australian children since they ceased making Sunnyboys? Yes, it is. Innocence is long dead, and now, it seems, so is just being in the moment and having a bloody good time. One must look sexy, and document the sexiness, at all times. Flash the flesh and you’ll get more likes; from horny teenage boys and creepy old men (who really shouldn’t have access to anyone’s photos) most likely, but hey, a like’s a like! Then you have these parasitical ‘influencers’ who wear stupidly impractical outfits, just to make a splash. I’m telling you right now, if I were to walk down to Bronte Beach with only duct tape covering my genitals, I would be arrested, and rightfully so.
I genuinely fear what the future holds for our children, in terms of beach fashion and societal expectation. I also fear the conservative backlash. I’ve been watching The Handmaid’s Tale, so I know what it looks like and it certainly isn’t sexy. One thing is certain, there is no need to install CCTV down the beaches, someone will be filming. Just be sure to check within 24 hours, before the ‘story’ disappears.

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