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The Unreliable Guide To… Lockdown

By Nat Shepherd on May 4, 2020 in Satire

Oh, how I miss you. Photo: Earl Yryzer

By the time this goes to print, Australia will probably have followed the rest of the world and gone into full-on lockdown. As I’m writing this, it’s estimated that one third of the world’s population is in lockdown. That’s 2.6 billion people, sat at home, wondering what to do with themselves. These are strange days my friends, but The Unreliable Guide is here with some tips and tricks to keep you going.

Get dressed
If you are stuck at home all day it may seem pointless to change out of your jimjams, but there are several strong psychological reasons why you should. It makes you feel better, it defines day from night and when you get that FaceTime call you won’t look like a shambles. In fact, take it further; have one day a week when you and your pals dress up in your finest, or weirdest outfits, send selfies to each other and the best one wins.

Get up at your normal time
On the same principle as getting dressed, it’s a good idea to try and stick to a sleep routine. If you spend all day in bed lounging you won’t sleep well at night, and nighttime is when all the scary thoughts play on your mind. Go to bed at your normal time, set an alarm, get up and have breakfast. Trust me, you’ll feel a whole lot less mental if you do.

Meet your friends online
This is the time to catch up with people you hardly ever see in your normal frantic life of work or school. The Unreliable Guide has been WhatsApp calling loads of pals overseas I haven’t seen for years. It’s also a great way to stay in touch with your local peeps. If your posse liked to meet at the Pav every Friday night for a few jars, why not do the same online? Invite everyone to a group chat. Decide on a platform that suits everyone – Zoom, Facebook Messenger, Skype, WhatsApp, Facetime… – a few days before so everyone can get used to it. Then, when the time comes, you call each other, pour the drinks and away you go. This generally works best for groups of three to five so everyone can get a word in. The key is planning ahead, so you can get everyone on board and excited about it. You could even throw an online dinner party, tell everyone the recipe a few days ahead and laugh about how well or badly you’ve all made your dishes. Be creative.

Stay positive and keep busy
It is soooo easy to feel depressed right now, the world has gone bonkers. You may have lost your job. Loved ones may be fighting for their lives. But you’ve got to take it day by day. Think about any silver linings that have come with this massive weird cloud of shit. You are well enough to read this. You are not dashing around trying to keep up with work or school. You probably have time to knit, paint, write a novel, learn French, make a pavlova, play with the cat, sing out of the window or learn how to edit a video meme of yourself doing something crazy and send it around the world. Think of this unexpected time as a gift, rather than a curse.
Finally, The Unreliable Guide would like to send you all a massive virtual hug. Be kind to each other, be kind to yourselves. Do whatever it takes to get through the day and remember, it’s not forever. See you on the flipside.

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