Pearl’s Guide To Parenting With School Children
Pearl always listens to her loyal fans and when a reader (Helen, Bondi – Oct 2011) called upon me to ‘cross enemy lines’ and chat to a ‘struggling Yummy Mummy, I was all ears. And what I’m hearing is that Yummy Mummies have outgrown ‘Pearl’s Guide to Parenting in the Eastern Suburbs’ (April 2011). Their kiddies are no longer toddlers and they are now looking for a companion piece, the Pearl-equivalent to “Buddhism for Mothers of School Aged Children”*. So to those Yummy Mummies ‘struggling’ with a $2million mortgage and a laden LV handbag, here’s ‘Pearl’s Guide to Parenting for Yummy Mummies with School Aged Children’…
• Treat the local shopkeeper as your babysitter. Drop Leonardo and Cornelius in the post office while you dash across to the gourmet deli; the Steve Parish books will keep them amused. And while you move your illegally parked 4WD, five year-old Maverick and baby Meadow will have fun playing with the toys in ‘Kid’s Stuff’. And I’m sure the barista at the local cafe will keep an eye on Orlando while you grocery shop in Woolworths. Yes ladies, that’s what minions… I mean shopkeepers… are for.
• Cultivate a filthy party drug habit. Far more socially acceptable than Prozac, it will allow you to maintain that night-clubbing DINK lifestyle while Sari and Sapphire hang out with the au pair. And remember, snorting cocaine doesn’t preclude you from maintaining the ‘earth mother, organic only, zen-moment’ persona you promote in the school playground. It just validates your coolness and superiority as an uber-YM.
• Replace the ‘Baby on Board’ sticker with a ‘Family Car’ sticker. Baby has grown up and you want the world to know, via a sticker, that your husband is a cool surfer dude who finances your shopping sprees whilst driving Hilton to soccer and feeding the dog, cat and budgie. But take heed: ‘Baby on Board’ is the only sticker that gives you the power to pull out in front of sedans in Westfield, plus the immunity to speed through red lights and ignore 40km/h school zones.
• Encourage your children to wear their North Bondi Nippers uniform. Anywhere, anytime! God knows why your child would wear a rashy and scungies to the supermarket, but there’s no better way to inform your peers that Jamiroquai does Nippers at the coolest of beaches (compared to the ‘lesser’ Tama or Bronte).
• Hold your child back from starting school. Although your child is legally able to start school, it’s important to give him/her that competitive edge over other children by holding him/her back a year. Preschool teachers love nothing more than having to entertain your bored five year-old, who should be at school rather than bullying three year-olds.
• Become an A-Lister mum, or die. Be blonde, beautiful, drive a black RR and become the class representative so you can arrange ‘A-lister’ coffee mornings to keep out those appalling mothers who dare to be fat, badly dressed and lined.
• Take your politics into the school playground. Whatever your political persuasion, use the class email list to advertise the latest Liberal Party fundraiser or ‘Walk Against Warming’. Or even better, be like Gina Rinehart and invite Lord Monckton to your daughter’s school to discuss the evils of climate change science.
And, finally darlings, take heed of an old school teacher adage: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – so true in the Eastern Suburbs!
*According to my sources it is the ONLY parenting book worth reading.