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Sex Should Be Fun

By Matty Silver on July 24, 2013 in Other

Photo: Jenna Jameson

Photo: Jenna Jameson

As a sex therapist, I often see couples who complain that their sex life has become boring – they don‘t feel the same desire and passion they experienced at the start of their relationship.

That’s because during the first six months to three years of any romantic relationship, the exciting chemistry in the brain is switched on and the hormones are jumping. It is a phase called ‘limerence’, which is prompted by the production of a chemical in the brain, PEA (phenethylamine), known colloquially as the ‘love drug’.

At first couples can’t leave each other alone; they have as much sex as often as they can. Over time other priorities force their way into the front line and the lusting and longing for sex become secondary.

The responsibilities of being in a relationship can overtake the original reason for becoming a couple. This might also coincide with becoming more ‘domestic’: the mortgage or rent has to be paid, work can take over, and thoughts might turn to starting a family.

If this all sounds very familiar, take heart. Just because the limerence phase of your relationship is over, it doesn’t mean that the great sex you used to have should also be gone. You just need to find ways to spice things up.

For instance, you could try having sex somewhere other than the bedroom or visit a sex shop together, buy some sex toys, erotic books or videos and try out some new positions. Experiment with ‘talking dirty’. Our brain, which is our biggest sex organ, responds to the spoken word by evoking emotions, sensations and blood flow to the genitals.

It might be helpful to dispel some of the myths surrounding this diminished sense of desire. For instance:
“My partner should know what I like sexually” – To communicate with each other about what you each enjoy is essential. Talking in this way is probably one of the most intimate things you can do. Your partner is not a mind reader. If you are too embarrassed to talk about it, how can you expect him or her to know what you would like? If your partner’s lovemaking does not excite you any more, you will eventually both lose interest in sex. Who wants that? So speak up – it’s the key to building a healthy and fulfilling intimate relationship and having sex that’s fun.

“We should not have sex when we are not in the mood” – Most couples have different levels of sexual desire, which is going to result in one wanting sex more often. This is natural. If you are not in the mood for sex, why not express your love by holding and caressing your partner? Kissing is a great expression of love; it might just get you in the mood and lead to further sexual foreplay.

“Sex should be spontaneous; you don’t plan it” – Not true. Men might often be ready for sex any time but women generally have to be mentally prepared. My advice to busy couples is to sit down and figure out which nights they are free to spend some sensual time together. Planning a date night once a week is a good start.

If you have children, get a babysitter and go out or, when the children are in bed, make it your own special time. Forget about the dishes or whatever chores have to be finished. Have a glass of wine, play some nice music, relax and retreat to the bedroom. Make your bedroom an intimate space with soft lighting, beautiful sheets, candles, no television and definitely a lock on the door!