Starsigns – September
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Arguing with your partner will only make you sad, but it will make them angry, so it’s still worthwhile.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Don’t forget to check in on your loved ones during these difficult times, especially if you’re about to run out of money.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Learn to swear in multiple languages, so you can offend people from a diverse range of backgrounds indiscriminately.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Become an expert at something, simply by watching heaps of YouTube videos and talking about it all the time.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Why wash the dishes while you cook, when you can use as many of them as possible just to f*ck everyone over.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Take every argument to the gutter; it’s the only way you’ll have any chance of winning with your terrible opinions.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t feel guilty about the joy you experienced when Byron Bay got locked down; we all felt exactly the same way.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Only get vaccinated if it benefits you personally; protecting vulnerable people is not as important as your trip to Hawaii.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
The money you’re saving by not going overseas definitely does not justify your outrageous spending habits.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Dutch ovening your partner in bed will significantly lower your chances of receiving any special favours.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
You’re not in the best physical condition, but that shouldn’t stop you from having the best sex of your life.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Don’t cut your fingernails too short; you’re going to need them for some strange self-grooming in the near future.