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Scores of Eastern Suburbs Residents Identifying as VIP

By Kieran Blake on October 4, 2021 in Satire

Just another day at the zoo. Photo: Kanye East

The 2021 Australian Census has revealed an increase in the number of Eastern Suburbs residents self-identifying as VIP.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) has not yet released official figures, but confirmed the trend exclusively to The Beast, explaining that people identified themselves through their responses to questions on topics such as occupation, annual income, home ownership and number of investment properties.
“The rise in self-identification as VIP (Very Important Person) since the previous census could be explained by the fact that census night fell during Sydney’s COVID lockdown, thus forcing Eastern Suburbs residents to be trapped in their homes and not enjoying their holiday homes in Bowral or Gerroa,” explained a spokesperson for the ABS, “…or by the endless rise in property prices.”
Renowned Sociologist Professor P. Pelwacha highlighted common behavioural traits of VIPs, which set them apart from ordinary citizens.
“They expect valet parking services anywhere, at any time, in the Eastern Suburbs, and to be able to complete their regular workout on the coastal walk during Sculpture by the Sea. They will walk their dog wherever it suits them and seek recourse in the inherent socio-economic dynamic whenever a council ranger enforces the rules. VIPs also cling to the delusion that a suburb within eight kilometres of the Sydney CBD can be called a ‘village’.”
Professor Pelwacha added that VIPs can be seen exploiting their status to circumvent COVID 19 stay at home restrictions.
“This is evident in the number of parents enjoying a social coffee with an ocean view while their children pretended to ride the pedal park at Clovelly Beach. It also explains the images of hundreds of locals sunbaking freely on local beaches during the height of Sydney’s recent lockdown.”
Within the broad spectrum of VIP are specific manifestations, according to the professor.
“One such label is the Vehemently Inconsiderate Person, who works such long hours to afford to live in the region that whenever they do have free time, they feel entitled to do whatever they want, regardless of other people.”
The census also unearthed a new subgroup of citizens labelled ‘celebrity adjacent’. This term was popularised by social media and refers to being in close proximity to a celebrity, either at home or during school drop-off. It implies a degree of deflected fame for the adjacent person.
“On the Eastern Beaches, however, locals believe the celebrities are adjacent to them.”
A sharp increase in people self-identifying as VIP presents a conundrum, according to Professor Pelwacha.
“If everyone is a VIP, no one is a VIP,” he explained.
“Thus, we are preparing the 2026 census to include a category for VVIP.”