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Star Signs

By Beardy from Hell on November 17, 2021 in Satire

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Now that you’ve got your ‘freedom’, you’ll pine for the good ol’ days when you could easily avoid your friends and colleagues.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You should urgently sort out your sleeping habits, before the bags under your eyes start affecting your vision.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Spout your uninformed views on vaccination and ‘Western medicine’ loudly in public to attract as much attention as possible.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Sharpen all the knives in your kitchen before you have a nasty accident. Blunt knives are very dangerous.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Chuck all the crap you bought during lockdown out the front of your place, because you’re never going to use any of it again.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
A deep, lustful crush is developing between you and someone you previously despised. It’ll be the best root you’ve ever had.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Just because your work clothes no longer fit, it’s no excuse to rock up to work in your junk-hugging activewear.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
It’s going to be really hard to squeeze a piss out in one go this month, but it’s all psychological and nothing to worry about.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Your boss doesn’t want you to work from home because you’re a lazy, lying leech who can’t be trusted to work unsupervised.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You’re about to discover a new method of self-pleasure that will make everyone else in your life permanently redundant.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Go out, get on the gear and get as loose as possible, before COVID runs rife and we get locked down all over again.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You could potentially have the best summer of your life ahead of you, but you need to put in a solid month of exercise.