Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Now that you’ve got your ‘freedom’, you’ll pine for the good ol’ days when you could easily avoid your friends and colleagues.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You should urgently sort out your sleeping habits, before the bags under your eyes start affecting your vision.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Spout your uninformed views on vaccination and ‘Western medicine’ loudly in public to attract as much attention as possible.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Sharpen all the knives in your kitchen before you have a nasty accident. Blunt knives are very dangerous.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Chuck all the crap you bought during lockdown out the front of your place, because you’re never going to use any of it again.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
A deep, lustful crush is developing between you and someone you previously despised. It’ll be the best root you’ve ever had.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Just because your work clothes no longer fit, it’s no excuse to rock up to work in your junk-hugging activewear.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
It’s going to be really hard to squeeze a piss out in one go this month, but it’s all psychological and nothing to worry about.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Your boss doesn’t want you to work from home because you’re a lazy, lying leech who can’t be trusted to work unsupervised.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You’re about to discover a new method of self-pleasure that will make everyone else in your life permanently redundant.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Go out, get on the gear and get as loose as possible, before COVID runs rife and we get locked down all over again.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You could potentially have the best summer of your life ahead of you, but you need to put in a solid month of exercise.