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Star Signs – October 2021

By Beardy from Hell on October 10, 2021 in Satire


Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
If you haven’t learnt an instrument or a language during lockdown, there’s still time to master the triangle or pig Latin.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result doesn’t mean you’re insane, it just means you’re an idiot.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Put all your free government money into a sports betting account so you don’t have to make any stressful investment decisions.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Brush up on your dancefloor repertoire and one-liners before you’re thrust back into the cruel world of non-digital dating.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Continue to tell everyone how hard you’ve been working, even though you’ve done f*ck all for the last six months or so.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Book a holiday, even if it’s just to tell everyone you’re going somewhere, which is the real reason you go anywhere anyway.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Do your beautician a favour by giving your section a quick trim prior to your first post-lockdown appointment.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Don’t believe everything you think, especially if you think you’re going to get a pay rise before 2030.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Your home cooking efforts have been a bit sketchy of late. Ease your farts out with great care or you’ll need to buy a new mattress.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
It’s okay to admit you don’t want lockdown to end. With friends like yours just outside the 5km zone it’s totally understandable.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Break free from your prudish ways and purchase a decent dilly. There’s some great technology coming onto the market.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Buy a dog so you have an ongoing excuse to get out of the house when your partner’s being a pain in the arse.