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Eastern Suburbs Lifeguards to be Issued with Guns

Conservative elements within the federal government have successfully lobbied to arm lifeguards on all Eastern Suburbs beaches with semi-automatic weapons. The politicians behind the push are praising the initiative, which is guaranteed to protect us from ourselves. “All lifeguards patrolling the Eastern Suburbs beaches have been instructed and trained to shoot anyone swimming outside the […]

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I Demand On Demand

The enormous success of On Demand public transport services to the Eastern Suburbs has prompted the NSW Government to extend On Demand services to other spheres of life. Local residents will soon be blessed with On Demand light rail, NBN, teenagers, weather and surf, all through the iMDemanding app. “The outstanding Sydney public transport network […]

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Air-Patter Brings Short-term Pet Hire to Local Footy Fanatics

Eastern Suburbs residents are scrambling to hire the few remaining September Pets in anticipation of strong local representation at the business end of this year’s footy finals. Last minute orders are flooding in to local enterprise AIR-PATTER, which is offering short-term leasing of freelance roosters, rabbits and swans. “Hire the perfect accessory,” reads the AIR-PATTER […]

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This Year’s City2Surf to Hurt Your Wallet and Your Legs

You know that selfie you’re dying to take as you cross the finishing line of the City2Surf, the photo that will encapsulate your pain and accomplishment for all your adoring social media fans? Well, now you’ll have to pay for it. A document leaked discreetly from Waverley Council outlines plans to fine every runner whose […]

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Star Signs – July 2018

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 There’s nothing wrong with being confident, but you should always remain humble in the knowledge that you’re good at everything. Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 Going around in circles is better than going so far in one direction that you can’t get back to the comfort from whence you came. Virgo Aug […]

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The Unreliable Guide to… Gambling

Australia loses more money gambling per person than any other developed country. Yay, we win! But seriously, dropping a lazy hundred on the pokies every weekend is just volunteering to be mugged. I’d rather you spent the money on a few lines or a quickie in the Cross. Pokies are called one-armed bandits for a […]

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Malabar to Host ‘Running of the Bullets’

Thousands of adventurous souls will descend upon Malabar Headland National Park next month for the explosive excitement of Running of the Bullets. Runners will traverse a challenging cross-country course along the headland while dodging live ammunition fired from the adjacent rifle range. The starter’s gun will release the runners, as well as a flurry of […]

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Getting to the Bottom of it

DOES PEARL LIKE POO? Dearest Pearl – So many dogs, so much poo. Most owners are great and pick it up, but what does Pearl think about owners dumping their poo bags in your bin on the street, especially after the council has just emptied the bin? Quite often the dogs are huge and so […]

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Star Signs – April 2018

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 When you’re offered an amazing opportunity, but you couldn’t be arsed doing anything about it, just let it slide and it will come back later. Taurus Apr 21-May 21 You’re fully aware of your need for a change of scenery but you never do anything about it, which is why you’ll […]

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The Unreliable Guide To… Taking a Holiday in The Bush

This is not a euphemism for an un-waxed downstairs pash, but rather having a vacation away from it all. We tend to spend our holidays at the beach, on the snow or, if we’re being cultural, in some European capital, but The Unreliable Guide recently left all that behind and spent six weeks on 80 […]

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Best Of The Archives

The Beast.