As the east coast of Australia burns due to our nation’s arrogant indifference to climate change, the self-deluding craziness of our selfish society really begins to emerge. We have the absent prime minister placing it...

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 It’s looking like a bit of loving could be on the radar. It’ll set you back around $250 but it will be worth every cent. Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 As another year of failure comes to an end, make...

Most religions preach that we should practise what the Buddhists call “loving-kindness”. The Bible encourages the practice with the suggestion that, “love covers a multitude of sins”, while the Quran exhorts beli...

A group of angry fathers from the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney has launched a massive class action against Santa Claus under accusations of adultery. The furious fathers submitted the case to the High Court of Australia aft...

The Joys of Pearl Hi Pearl – As per usual, an excellent insight into society (Has Australia Reached Peak Commission and Inquiry?, The Beast, October 2019). Can we add to your request for Royal Commissions a Royal C...

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 Before placing the vacuum cleaner on your genitals, carefully check the settings and make sure no one can see into your room. Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 You are a goat, so you should behave like on...

If you’re twenty-something in the Eastern Suburbs, you probably can’t afford to buy your own place unless your folks are rich and generous. Even renting may be an impossibility, which may make you feel like a failure...

Woe betide, it’s Christmas! As my loyal fans know all too well, Pearl never misses an opportunity to impart sensible advice during this holy time of consumption lunacy. So, my first piece of advice: if you are thinking...

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 You’ve had an up and down year but you’re going to end 2019 on a huge high, so make the most of your amazing form. Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 A rather solid stool will somehow end up sideways in ...

Eastern Suburbs parents have reacted with horror to news that international crime syndicates will use this year’s Halloween festivities to recruit local children into their organisations. Parent chat groups and school ...