The Joys of Pearl Hi Pearl – As per usual, an excellent insight into society (Has Australia Reached Peak Commission and Inquiry?, The Beast, October 2019). Can we add to your request for Royal Commissions a Royal C...

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 Before placing the vacuum cleaner on your genitals, carefully check the settings and make sure no one can see into your room. Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 You are a goat, so you should behave like on...

If you’re twenty-something in the Eastern Suburbs, you probably can’t afford to buy your own place unless your folks are rich and generous. Even renting may be an impossibility, which may make you feel like a failure...

Woe betide, it’s Christmas! As my loyal fans know all too well, Pearl never misses an opportunity to impart sensible advice during this holy time of consumption lunacy. So, my first piece of advice: if you are thinking...

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 You’ve had an up and down year but you’re going to end 2019 on a huge high, so make the most of your amazing form. Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 A rather solid stool will somehow end up sideways in ...

Eastern Suburbs parents have reacted with horror to news that international crime syndicates will use this year’s Halloween festivities to recruit local children into their organisations. Parent chat groups and school ...

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23 Despite leaving no stone unturned, the origin of the foul-smelling fluff in your undies will remain unknown. Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 Your parents may be bloody annoying, but at the end of the day you’...

Recent events have reminded The Unreliable Guide of Euripides’s quote, “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Being a fairly wise bloke, he also realised that, “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand re...

Scott Morrison and his family have been forcibly removed from the Sutherland Shire and sent back to Morrison’s birthplace, the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. The Prime Minister, his wife and two daughters were kicked out o...

Australian politicians love a good old Royal Commission or Parliamentary Inquiry to divert the media’s attention away from the plight of fluffy animals and climate change. There’s nothing more cleansing to the soul t...